ADHD and Parenting Teens
We all want our children to be responsible and make good decisions, but for a child with ADHD impulsive reactions can sometimes lead to poor choices. As parents we can make a difference. We can help our children face these challenges with a sense of responsibility, healthy self-confidence, and stronger decision making skills.
Debra W. Haffner, M.Div., M.P.H, has been a parenting educator for more than 25 years. She is the author of six books including What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know: Facing Today’s Challenges with Wisdom and Heart. I turned to Ms. Haffner for some answers on ways parents can help their children safely navigate these challenges.
Interview with Debra W. Haffner:
Question: You describe the Affirming parenting style as the most effective for raising responsible and healthy children and teenagers. What is an Affirming Parent?
Haffner: The Affirming Parent uses a style of parenting that is both nurturing and firm. They run their families as a "limited democracy." They are equally demanding and responsive. They set clear standards for their children and teens' behaviors, but offer explanations for these standards and ask for their input into setting them. They are actively involved in their teen's and children's lives but allow their children age-appropriate independence.
Question: One challenge that children with ADHD may be at a greater risk for is experimenting, using, and even abusing alcohol and drugs. What can Affirming Parents do to help steer their ADHD child towards good decision making in relation to alcohol and drugs?
Haffner: Parents of children with ADHD already know how important it is to set clear guidelines and to be consistent with their children. Alcohol and drug use is no different. Make sure your child who is in high school or middle school understands that your expectation is NO USE, that they are not to go to unchaperoned parties or to homes without parents present, and that they will lose very specific privileges if you find out they have been drinking. Of course, as with any teenage child, tell them that if they do drink, against your explicit values, that they must never drive and that you will always be there to give them a ride.
There is no guarantee that your child will never try alcohol or drugs, but your actions can reduce their chances, according to Haffner who lists the following additional tips in her book.
Parenting Strategies to Reduce the Chances of Childhood Drinking and Drug Use:
Stay Involved In Your Teens’ Lives
Haffner explains that it is important to know where your child is after school and to know their friends. “Teens, both younger and older, who report a high sense of connection to their parents are much less likely to drink or use marijuana,” notes Haffner. “Good communication, high emotional warmth, and even physical affection between parent and child lower the risk of alcohol and drug use.”Assure Your Child’s Safety
Your child’s safety – this is important above all else. We do not want our kids to drink alcohol or use drugs, but what if they do? “It is imperative that your children know they can turn to you for a ride when they or the friend who drove them have been drinking, but they also need to hear repeatedly your expectation that they will not drink at all away from home,” says Haffner. She also notes that one of the few absolute rules she suggests setting with your kids is that they are never, ever to get in a car with a driver who has been drinking or using drugs.Set Consequences
If your child knows that you will set and enforce consequences, they will be more likely to follow your rules related to drinking and drugs. Talk about the rules and consequences with your child in advance, being very clear of the expectations.Here are a few of Haffner’s examples of appropriate consequences:
- If I find out that you’ve been drinking and then driving, you lose car privileges for a specific amount of time.
- If you are thirteen and I find out that you have been drinking with a friend after school, you can’t be in the house with a friend unless an adult is there, and you will need to be in a supervised after-care program.
- If you are sent home from camp or a program because you are found to be drinking, you will pay us back for the program, however long it takes.
Limit Access
When alcohol is easily accessible, it is more tempting. Limit access at home.Be Clear On Your Rules
Openly discuss the issue with your child and clearly enforce a no-alcohol, no drugs rule.Know Your Child’s Friends
Peers have a powerful impact and can be extremely influential, especially during the middle school and high school years. “Young people who have friends who drink or use drugs also drink and use drugs,” notes Haffner.Know The Signs Of Drinking Or Drug Use
Sometimes it is hard to separate the signs of drug use with the normal emotional ups and downs of the early adolescent years. Haffner notes that some of the ups and downs can also be related to physical or mental health issues, as well. If you are ever uncertain, consult with your child’s doctor.Click on the following video link to learn about the common signs and ways to detect teen drug and alcohol use: Is Your Teen Using Drugs?
Source:
Rev. Debra W. Haffner. Personal correspondence/interview through Harry Burton. 06, May 08.
Rev. Debra W. Haffner. What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know. Newmarket Press. New York. 2008.
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