“I have a 13-year-old teen daughter with ADD, and she is homeschooled. She often refuses to do what she is told, is very impulsive, lies, has taken things from family members, etc. I am at my wit’s end. We’ve tried therapy, changing meds, adjusting her diet. Any advice?”
--About.com user
The teen years are a tough time ... for both the teen and the parents! This age group is likely to be more oppositional in general as they are moving from puberty and in to more independence and adulthood. ADD will likely worsen these behaviors.
The best way to help your daughter is to keep home life, especially because it includes school life, structured, predictable and routine. Review the rules and expectations with her clearly but concisely. An ADD teen will listen to the beginning of what you are saying, but as you talk more and more, they will simply get distracted or tune you out, so be brief and straightforward in your expectations.
When your daughter breaks the rules, enforce consequences. I am not saying to be a tyrant, but all children -- especially those with ADD/ADHD -- need to have this kind of predictability.
When she is in a good mood and open to working on a plan, sit down with your daughter and come up with a list of a few rules. Get her input on consequences for not following the rules. Try to make the consequences make sense to the rule broken.
Work hard to catch your daughter when she is being good. Positive attention is very powerful. Think about ways to reward your daughter for good behaviors. It doesn’t have to be anything too detailed. If you notice your daughter had a really good day -- she got along really well with others and was compliant when you asked her to do things -- brag about her to her father or let her overhear you saying good things about her to her grandmother over the phone.
Set aside regular time to be with just her -- without school as a focus. These regular positive one-on-one times have a lot of impact. Go on walks together, work in the garden, get your nails done together, go to the grocery store or run other errands together. Really listen to her as she talks. Reflect upon her feelings, and let her share. Respect her opinions, and don’t judge, argue or interrupt her during this time.
Talk with the doctor about ways the medicine may address the impulsive behaviors you are concerned with. It is possible that you haven’t seen improvements on the meds, because the most appropriate med for your daughter or the best dosage for her hasn’t been tried yet.
Keep in mind that, overall, most ADD/ADHD kids tend to lag a bit behind peers in terms of social and emotional maturity. So even though your daughter is 13, she may respond well to approaches others may think are “too young” for a teen. In other words, she is likely to respond well to approaches you may use with children 1 to 3 years younger than she.
