Positive attention – we hear these words together a lot, but what does positive attention really mean and why is it so important for children with ADHD? Kids with ADHD often hear a lot of negatives. Certainly, their behaviors can be quite frustrating and disruptive at times. It’s not unusual for some of these kids to experience more negative interactions day-to-day than positive ones, particularly when they are having difficulty managing their symptoms. This can quickly take a toll on a child’s self-image and feelings of self-worth.
Once a child begins to view him or herself in a negative light, it becomes even harder for them to manage their symptoms. They can get caught in a vicious cycle – disruptive behaviors leading to negative interactions leading to low self esteem leading to more acting out leading to more negative interactions. Increased opposition, anxiety and even feelings of depression can easily follow.
Learning to pay positive attention to your child is very powerful, but if the disruptive and oppositional behaviors are taking over, conflicts and arguments may become more of the norm at home. And if this happens everyone feels exasperated, drained, and unhappy. You can begin to make gradual changes by consciously giving positive messages to your child, pointing out even the littlest of things:
- “I really like how you got right into the car when it was time to go.”
- “Thank you for coming to the table the first time I called you.”
- “You are waiting so patiently for your turn with the book.”
- “I can’t wait to tell Dad/Mom about how nicely you shared your toy with brother.”
- “You put your dirty clothes in the hamper without me even asking. Way to go!”
These statements not only convey positive attention to your child, they also help to communicate the behavior and skills you want to see - shaping the behavior with praise. Try to “catch” your child being good and give him positive feedback immediately and frequently. In doing this you are using your powerful attention to increase compliance and appropriate behaviors.
You can give positive messages in nonverbal ways, as well - a thumbs-up, nodding your head in approval, a smile, a wink, a warm hug, a light kiss, etc. All these responses help give your child the message that he or she is a valued and accepted individual. Kids pick up on nonverbal messages (such as tone of voice, facial expressions, posture) and often the nonverbal message is felt even more clearly than the verbal one. So be aware of the signals and nonverbal messages you are giving.
Sometimes tasks that seem simple to us are extremely difficult for a child with ADHD. It helps to acknowledge hard work and effort, rather than focusing solely on the outcome. Your child may have worked extra hard to put toys in a bin, but to look around at all the mess you may not know it. Encouraging a child’s attempts will increase the likelihood that he or she will continue to work toward the desired behavior, so “reward direction, not perfection.”
Special structured individual time with your child can also be very powerful. Read more about Positive One-on-One Time
Source:
Russell A. Barkley. Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete Authoritative Guide for Parents. Guilford Press. 2005.
William Sears and Linda Thompson. The ADD Book: New Understandings, New Approaches to Parenting Your Child. Little, Brown and Company. 1998.
