From the article: Partners in Life, Partners in Adult ADHD Education and Treatment
ADHD symptoms can create stress in any relationship. Both partners must work together to make things better. What’s the biggest challenge you face living with a spouse or partner with ADHD and how do you successfully deal with it together? Please Share
It Takes Awhile to Sink In
- I have been married for over 3o years to a man with ADD/Depression and possible passive aggression as well. After our son was diagnosed with ADD in second grade I read everything I could lay my hands on about ADD and in light of that, my husband’s behaviors started to make sense for someone with ADD. He was willing to be tested and was diagnosed with it as well as depression. It’s about 20 years later and it has been a long road with many counselor appointments, drug trials, and tears. Medicine can't help 100% and neither can counseling. What helps me is knowing what I am dealing with, being able to give it a name and knowing that a lot of the behavior is not deliberate. I still catch myself getting upset that he forgets, procrastinates, and prefers to do his own thing most of the time. I am learning to not "micro manage" him. I read and reread Melody Beattie's book about codependency (It is excellent!) and saw my behaviors in it right away. The serenity prayer is one of my favorites.
- —Guest Wendy
Husband Is In Denial
- Thank you for covering this subject. My husband has been diagnosed 3 times and denies he has ADHD. It's horrible, but all I could do is get very "healthy" myself. He is so stubborn and it makes me very sad, because it is so treatable. But he absolutely will not address it, so our marriage suffers. For a long time I suffered because it is so frustrating. But then I took a different approach and I am happy and joyful most of the time but that is me as an individual-not in our marriage. I won't divorce him, but so many aspects of our marriage will never be good because his ADHD (in my opinion!) is mixed with pride. I know there have to be other spouses suffering in this way.
- —Guest merkey@sbcglobal.net
At My Wits End
- My fiancé and I have been together over 3 yrs and have 2 children. I try to help him but nothing works. He blames EVERYTHING on ADHD. He leaves a lot, stays out all night, won't do things, forgets stuff, won't help, won't work, lies about everything, doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions, and more I haven't even named. Some is spoiledness but everything he says is unhelp-able. He doesn't want to go to the doctor for meds or help. We've almost broken up more times than I can count. I don't want to, though, and the kids need their father. They're 2 1/2 and 10 months. They want him around as much as I do but how to get him to stay and try? Since he won't work I ask him to help at home. He doesn't want to. I go to school, work, take/bring the kids, doc appts, bills, take care of him. Well who is there to take care of me? Can anyone help me figure out what to do other than tell me I can't do anything? This has been going on for over 3 yrs and I'm about done with this nonsense.
- —Guest Confused with no answers
Work in Progress
- I cannot explain how being diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago has helped my marriage. I have struggled since being a little girl with many things. My husband couldn't understand why I struggled with simple daily tasks with my 2 daughters - especially scheduling! Since my diagnosis I have learned what works for me and I have learned to utilize the "tools" and "practices" that actually WORK. I have learned I need STRUCTURE. With structure I go far! Without it I am completely lost. Scheduling has been a huge issue for us in our marriage. With 2 full time jobs and 2 toddlers I tended to "own" the calendar and it wasn't working in the past. I have finally adapted a tedious system that has HELPED me and my family tremendously (no more missed Dr's appt! No more late attendance!). But it requires my husband's commitment to work with me in a weekly meeting where we discuss the upcoming events for the week. It's an ongoing process and he knows it's critical that we have these "scheduled" meetings.
- —Guest K.Smith
Family of ADHD
- I am grateful I googled "married to ADHD" and found this site. 11 years ago and another child later my husband was instrumental with discovering the diagnosis for my oldest child as he also was diagnosed as a child. When we met I was recently divorced with two young girls and didn't understand my daughter's behavior. He was charming and seemed mature until I said "I Do." Now I have 4 children; 2 from my prior marriage, 1 with my husband and 1 is my husband. My oldest daughter, our son and my husband are all diagnosed ADHD and my husband refuses to take medication. My home is constantly cluttered, I work full time, handle all the docs and schools for three children and trying to discuss responsibility with an adult man with ADHD is like going into a sword fight with an expert swordsman. I feel like I am losing my mind, he is a good hearted man but I cannot take the chaos, his temper and his immaturity any longer.
- —loozinmymind
To —loozinmymind
- I understand that. Some of us have a keen ability to "debate." We twist things, perhaps unintentionally but convincingly, to ourselves and impose that twist upon others. Since my kids have grown to 18 and 22 years I have learned a bit about myself. Their arguments can be tough to deal with, umm... logically ;-)
- —theanttheant
Thoughts From the ADHD Partner
- The ADHD Perspective: I have said, on more than one occasion, I wish my husband (who does not have ADHD) could spend a day in my body and mind so he could see not only what goes on there, but how much energy I spend trying to be "normal" and function in an environment that is not ADHD friendly. That being said, he has his own issues, and when he gets confused, he gets angry. But a lot of it is not understanding that if he can do something (anything) with regularity, why can't I? He has a hard time being empathetic since he has never gone through ADHD.
- —Guest Guest
Thoughts from the ADHD Partner
- I'd like to echo "Guest Guest's" sentiments. I am 44 and was diagnosed with ADD almost 3 years ago. My wife has no clue the enormous amount of energy it takes to act "normal." I've worked VERY hard to respond to her EVERY request; been through 7 professionals before I finally found one SHE likes, tweaked my meds numerous times until I found a regimen she thinks works ok for me, tried hundreds of strategies to conquer scheduling (one of my biggest weaknesses), and tried many, many times to convey to her how overwhelming it is for me when she gets angry and frustrated with me over an occasional mistake. I'm not trying to make ADD my catch-all excuse, but it seems to me that this explanation to years of frustration for her over my behavior could come with a little compassion, understanding and grace; at least that's my daily prayer.
- —Minister_of_Finance
Coping as a wife of Adult ADHD
- Have been married for 50 years to a man with ADHD. A miracle! Sweet, talented, caring, hard-worker, helps around the house, volunteers, likes to help people, doesn't drink or smoke, etc. etc. Sounds perfect, right? Then from out of nowhere there's a shift in personality, snaps, is angry, lashes out, and with little or no provocation. Not physical, but lots of emotional and mental anguish on my part. Afterward, if talked about, he will deny, deny that he acted inappropriately. That I provoked his behavior. But will never admit he has anger or that it's inappropriate. Will NEVER apologize. Once it's over, as far as he's concerned, it's over. But it has hurt me and I do not feel trusting, close, or as if my feelings matter. I have seen counseling in the past, and have gotten him to go, also. I asked him to read a book about ADHD just the parts about the part of the brain that doesn't stop impulsive behavior. I thought he had recognized himself, but of course, it continues.
- —Guest PD
Don't let me off the hook but believe me
- It's so discouraging to try, and try, and try, and try... and still keep screwing up. I am medicated and take my Concerta religiously. I have been to therapy and would keep going if I could. There are things that I'm really good at, I've never lost or randomly quit a job, and I can do finances. I have two master's degrees. And yet I cannot keep a room tidy to save my life. Not even close. There are times I think I should just give up on relationships since I drive people I live with crazy with that and with my inability to read between the lines. The worst is when I get frustrated enough to say something like, "I hate my ADHD! I really thought this time xyz would be different. I thought I had it under control, but clearly didn't. I'm sorry." - and then the response is "Stop making excuses. You had plenty of time." ADHDers don't need to be let off the hook, but help with structure and BEING BELIEVED that it's hard would make such a difference. Sometimes I just want to give up.
- —Guest Cecelia
Very Sad
- I'm a wife of a husband with ADHD. He is in denial and very prideful. He has no filter on his mouth. I have three children and one on the way with my husband. He is very mean sometime. Especially when we have disagreements. I don't want to be divorced but he hurts me down to my soul and the children do not deserve it. I think my husband is a good hearted person but I don't think I can deal with his severe ADHD. Again the children do not deserve to be talked to in a way that's not good. I'm gonna stop now because I can go on and on.
- —Guest Just married ready for divorce
daughter and husband with ADHD
- My daughter is to be evaluated in May and I'm pretty sure the psychologist is going to tell me she has ADHD. I struggle with the two of them, my daughter and husband, constantly battling with one another. They are like two peas in a pod. I feel for my husband because I think he tries as hard as he can to be close with our 5 year old but he doesn't have the patience or attention. They have wonderful short lived moments together and then she just reverts back to pushing him away. He tends to smother her and I keep telling him to give her space. It's a struggle to maintain a happy peaceful environment.
- —Guest JC
to guest steph
- OMG!!!! I had just finished my response and came back here. That is sooooooo my husband!!!! He totally thinks it's funny when I am in a utter rage and I want to knock him to the moon!!!!!!!! And he does do things just to make me mad!!!!!!!!!! The thing that probably irritates me to no end is the repeating of things...... and it could be as little as one second later. He'll say something and I say please don't say that it bothers me and then 2 seconds later it comes out again..... hmmmmmmm kind of like tourettes he seriously can't control himself. He is almost forty and never been officially diagnosed. But, I can't take this much longer and I will make an appointment at the doctors for him.
- —lovingmominindy
Never enough space
- Well that always sucks !!! Not done with my thought but I'm out of characters......heres where we left off with what he says after he does something well...And I don't have to do anything for them for at least six months. So it is very difficult to acknowledge what he's done because I know it will be a long time in HELL before I am HAPPY with him again. It's also maddening that everyone views him as quiet and passive so any problem has to be the b****'s fault that he's married to. Because no way could it be my husbands fault !!!!!!!!! I tell him to do things he just doesn't do it and that's not my fault. I am his wife not his mother. So, if he doesn't call.... not my fault.....doesn't come by.... not my fault........forgets your birthday......not my fault!!!!!!!!!!
- —lovingmominindy
I believe my husband has ADD
- I have been married for 8 yrs come July 2012. I truly believe my husband has an undiagnosed form of ADD and Asperger's. It is beyond frustrating. We married and a month later he went to Afghanistan. He came back and was NOT the man I married. I am his mother and I do everything in the house. I do come by it naturally my mother was always in charge but I don't want to be the mom and dad!!!!!! I love my husband but not as much as I did nine years ago when we met. I am very confused because it was not diagnosed and he is almost forty years old. I go through times where I feel sorry for him and want to help but then my head says he doesn't care about me or this family and he does it on purpose and is evil!!!!! Which in my heart I can't believe I think that and it makes me so sad to think that of him. When he does something it is done out of this world and usually done right. But that only happens once in a blue moon. Then it's like his brain tells him "ok now I can be an ass do nothing".
- —lovingmominindy
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