From the article: Tips for Parenting ADHD Children
Calling on all adults with ADHD, parents of kids with ADHD need your help!
One of our parents wrote in with a wonderful request:
"I have been thinking that I could really learn from adults with ADHD, if I could hear their stories of how they felt as youngsters. It's really hard being a parent to a young one with ADHD because I'm never really clear on how he's feeling inside. If I had some insight from adults who could share what it was like for them when they were young, it would really help me. Were there things that their parents could have done that were not done?"
Share Your AdviceTHANKS TO ALL - I'm sitting here crying
- I posted the question you all answered, mostly out of a need to try to understand our son's beautiful 6 year old mind. Wow! You all are so amazing. I wish I could have parented you all. I wish our son could know you and be encouraged by you. He feels so much failure and you are all shining lights that he would gravitate to in a heartbeat. Again, my thanks. You are all so wonderful, you give us hope.
- —AlwaysSharing
It Can Be a Gift
- Many of my teachers couldn't recognize what was wrong with me, they told my parents that I just wasn't smart enough to progress at a normal rate. I did poorly in school. During 3rd grade my parents had me tested and I was diagnosed. Initially I took Ritalin and it did improve my schoolwork but it had a few side effects. In the 7th grade my parents had me taken off of all medication after I told them that I didn't want to be dependent on it. I was able to cope with school and achieve decent grades. Now I am a senior at a well respected school studying Computer Engineering, I will be completing my master's degree and am considering PhD. The way I coped was to view my disorder as a gift because I noticed that it allows me to be creative and very dedicated (hyper-focused) when I am working on something that I am passionate about. It was just a matter of controlling the gift. To do this I have to meditate before a task and convince myself of its importance and relevance to my passions.
- —Guest Jesse Determann
View as a Child with ADHD
- When I was young we were named the very active ones. We see the world with excitement. We often don't think before we act. We just do because it’s there, not because we are bad. Our minds work very fast, on to the next one with full intentions of going back to the first thing we were working on. Often we don't understand the problem. We think that others think the way we do because it’s always been this way for us. We know no other way. We become overwhelmed with school. Everyone wants us to just sit there, but we cannot. It’s not that we don't want too, we just can't. One task at a time helps us. Most of us are above average, but we need our way of learning. Short bursts of info work best. Tests are very hard. We need extra time because we read everything and don't know where to start. Our reading skills are not the best and sometimes we don't know which way the letters go. Don't yell. We shut down because we know what you want, but have no idea how to get there. I'm now an RN.
- —Guest Linda
Glad You Care Enough to Ask
- One thing that is very important for me is that my loved ones understand that although I may take a different route than most, I still get there. My way works for me and that is great - I'm ok just like I am! My version of normal is perhaps different than others version of normal, but it is still "normal." I hope this helps in some small way. I believe that because you cared enough to ask this question your child is very lucky indeed.
- —IronGoddess
What It's Like
- Glad you asked! I was diagnosed in 2001 after years trying to find out what's "wrong" with me. I've never seemed to fit in the world. I've always been confused about the rules and wondered why no one let me in on the secret. Recently my daughter asked, what’s it like to have ADHD. I said, "It's like living in a dream. You know you're dreaming but can't wake up. Later on it starts to feel like a scream you can’t scream. Nothing makes sense, you feel like you are on the outside looking in, wondering why everyone gets it but you." I hate the stigma attached to mental health issues. One day I had asked my supervisor once AGAIN for the end cubical (less noise), since for the 2nd time this month he decided to change the seating. He can't "see" ADHD, so it doesn’t exist so there’s no need to remember my accommodation request. I ended up getting terminated for losing my temper and letting him have it with both barrels. I can't work anymore or go anywhere for that matter.
- —IronGoddess
As I Look Back...
- I would suggest three things. I am a 39 yo male who was not diagnosed until I was 30. As a grown adult, I still can't describe how it feels to someone who doesn't have it. I often wonder what my parents could have done differently if they had known. So, first, teach them systems and controls! A lot of frustration can be avoided if they learn things like putting their keys in the same place (every time) or setting reminders on the phone/PDA. Second, focus on their strengths. The positive aspects (creativity, etc) of ADHD should be focused on and encouraged early (look at Ty Pennington or Howie Mandel). Lastly, love them unconditionally. No matter how hard you or they try, mistakes will be made. Things will slip through the cracks. And that won't change once they are older. Trust me. But if you give your kids the solid foundation of knowing they will always have someone who loves them, no matter what, that is the best support you can give.
- —Guest kbu
Driven
- My (undiagnosed) youth was mostly spent hyperfocusing on a never ending stream of things I liked. Interests came, intensified, sometimes became obsessive, and always reached a point where they were dropped for a time or for good in favor of something else. My ADHD Dad (had a chemical engineering degree at 20 during the Depression) understood and my Mom was miffed but went along and gave me freedom. Some would say I was spoiled because I was never made to do things like attend Sunday school, but when you cannot make yourself even try to focus on things you don't have any interest in, you become stubborn about people making choices for you. I (We) tried this with my ADHD son and it did not work. College became much more interesting after I figured out that the Army was waiting to draft me, and I excelled for the first time since the fifth grade (puberty is a tough time for ADHD boys).
- —Guest moslof
Advocate for Your Child
- I am 49 and have ADHD since I was 7 (1967) and yes, they DID know what it was then. As I look back now, I now realize I also had ODD. I was on Ritalin for a bit, but it slowed me down so much that my mother got nervous and took me off. I don't blame her for that, but what I do blame her for is not following through for the rest of my life. I was very intelligent but couldn't prove it in academics. My brain was "ON" all the time. It was like a freight train running through the middle of my head. I was impulsive, defiant and hyper. I couldn't keep friends; I went from job to job; my family just didn't get me and I was kicked out when I was 19. I am a single-mom with an 11 year old son with ADHD/Anxiety/Sensory Integration Dysfunction - all of which are neurologically based. MEDICINE, MEDICINE, MEDICINE TOGETHER WITH STRUCTURE, SUPPORT, CONSISTENCY, UNDERSTANDING AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. MOST OF ALL - TALK, TALK, TALK TO YOUR CHILD AND BELIEVE THEIR FEAR!!
- —Guest Linda
Patience is Virtue
- I have dealt with ADHD since elementary school, but not diagnosed until I was an adult. I always felt like there was a lot of noise in my head, making it hard to concentrate on one thing. My parents would get angry because I never completed projects, or I would get sidetracked with a magazine or activity while cleaning my room. I would begin homework, but get distracted and not complete the assignment, or I managed to miss the teacher's directions altogether. I was very embarrassed & felt stupid. I always interrupted others because as soon as a thought came to mind, I literally could not help but say it aloud. I always had, and still do have extra energy and can NEVER sit still! It helped that my mom put me in structured physical activities, like dance class. As an adult, I color code & organize everything & put reminder notes throughout the house. I set periodic daily alarms on my cell phone so I don't forget things. Meds help too. Some tips: write things down, slow down, be patient.
- —Guest Heidi Jean
Be Aware - Loneliness
- I grew up with ADHD and I can tell you I didn't get any support and really there was none to get who knew this stuff back then. I am 48 now and still badly affected. I can tell you now the single most destroying emotion for me was loneliness. Today with understanding parenting and knowledge of ADD/ADHD it shouldn't happen as it did to me, but I bet it does. Watch for this parents, watch that your child doesn't become isolated because the pain of this will be very difficult to undo and so will the low self esteem that can build up around ADD/ADHD issues in young kids.
- —Guest Alan
Adhd kiddos
- Both my step kids have ADHD and believe me it has been a rough 6 yrs and still hard. Patience is key but I lack it I feel we need counseling to help us cope with our kids. Date nights and dinning out are gone because our kids are difficult
- —Guest Jay
Be careful what you say ...
- I turn 50 this year. After all of these years, I can still recall many of the countless times that I felt dumb, or not-so-special, or just plain stupid. I remember doing a lot of daydreaming in my elementary years, and the teacher would write it on my report cards. I did not even know I was daydreaming until it was repeatedly pointed out. In my high school years, I had about a 'C' average. Not because I didn't try, but because I could not take notes very effectively, and I could not memorize difficult words at all. Tests were my worst enemy. Biology was a nightmare, History was far-too boring, and math was painful. Now that I am older, I wish I could have learned those subjects better. When I think about how I felt about myself for MOST of my life, especially as a child...I had terribly low self-esteem. Among the most common things that I heard from others is how boring I am, and no fun. I preferred to be alone so others would not criticize me. Best to say positive things.
- —Notasyoungguy
It's a big deal!
- Ran into this question by accident, but want to share that I think trying to understand him so you won't blame your son for struggles he probably will have is the best gift. I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult, and developed all kinds of other issues as a result of not understanding myself, and wondering why I couldn't get it together. I made it through college and had a successful career but still was ever compensating for my short comings. It's a tough and isolating road until you find someone who understands. Still makes me cry - and laugh today. I read that people without ADD just aren't that interesting to talk to because they can't completely go off on a tangent etc. so funny. Just keep a good sense of humor. :) Oh and tell him you have to be everywhere about 30 minutes before you really do, because he'll need the time!
- —Guest ADD Mom
ADHD is so complex
- As a child growing up and always getting on my mother's nerves and teachers punishing me for being hyper my self esteem was not good. I wasn't diagnosed until my 40's when my son entered 1st grade and was diagnosed with it. I then had a supervisor diagnose me. Hmpf! But I refused to accept it and refused to accept my son had it. But once he started the medication what a difference!! So I started reading Driven to Distraction and yes my supervisor was right I did have ADD. By 40's the hyper part wasn't as noticeable. All I can say is I still struggle at work staying focused. I wish I had chosen a job that let me move around more. Paperwork is nobody's favorite job but super challenging for me. I'm great with people and love to be on the go. I worked in the ER room and loved it. One thing I know people with ADHD are usually very creative and can do much more than they think they can. I did a lot of self medicating with marijuana and alcohol so be on the lookout for that.
- —Guest 57 and still coping
I had no idea it had a name...
- I never forgot assignments, probably because I loved school and homework. However, I never remembered school functions or dates. Science projects were forgotten as well. I thought I was a procrastinator. Undiagnosed until my two sons were found to be ADHD, everything now began to make sense. Why couldn't I force myself to finish work assignments? Why could I not remember dinner dates or other notable events my husband told me about? Why couldn't I remember conversations or complete projects? I always was amazing when working under a deadline. I've just begun my medication and am thrilled with hope! My main means of coping has been lists...grocery, to do...and my planner. If your child doesn't complete projects until the last minute ALWAYS...keep ADHD in mind as the culprit.
- —Guest Teresa
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