Readers Respond: Tips for Parents of Kids With ADHD from Adults With ADHD

Responses: 31

One of our parents wrote in with a wonderful request:

"I have been thinking that I could really learn from adults with ADHD, if I could hear their stories of how they felt as youngsters. It's really hard being a parent to a young one with ADHD because I'm never really clear on how he's feeling inside. If I had some insight from adults who could share what it was like for them when they were young, it would really help me. Were there things that their parents could have done that were not done?"

It Can Be a Gift

Many of my teachers couldn't recognize what was wrong with me, they told my parents that I just wasn't smart enough to progress at a normal rate. I did poorly in school. During 3rd grade my parents had me tested and I was diagnosed. Initially I took Ritalin and it did improve my schoolwork but it had a few side effects. In the 7th grade my parents had me taken off of all medication after I told them that I didn't want to be dependent on it. I was able to cope with school and achieve decent grades. Now I am a senior at a well respected school studying Computer Engineering, I will be completing my master's degree and am considering PhD. The way I coped was to view my disorder as a gift because I noticed that it allows me to be creative and very dedicated (hyper-focused) when I am working on something that I am passionate about. It was just a matter of controlling the gift. To do this I have to meditate before a task and convince myself of its importance and relevance to my passions.

—Guest Jesse Determann

Find Positive Outlets and Interests

The lucky ones like me find outlets for our energy; others should be so lucky. The only way is for a child or adult to encounter a subject of their best interest to channel that energy and magical things happen. Our educational system is boring to those with creative minds. Left brain people don't understand, so they place labels on young people like ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, learning disabilities, retarded, slow, etc. Some school systems want young people to be silent, follow rules. They favor the intelligent, noncreative child over the creative child who wants to follow his or her own interests and not a convergent thinking style, but divergent which is nonlogical or lateral thinking that seeks out a fresh approach. Sometimes trusting intuition instead of reason allows the creative person to see opportunity. We need teachers that appeal to our learning style. The system should look at the evidence of achievers in science, art, writers, etc. as the role models like Isaac Newton. Robert

—Guest Robert

Glad You Care Enough to Ask

One thing that is very important for me is that my loved ones understand that although I may take a different route than most, I still get there. My way works for me and that is great - I'm ok just like I am! My version of normal is perhaps different than others version of normal, but it is still "normal." I hope this helps in some small way. I believe that because you cared enough to ask this question your child is very lucky indeed.

—IronGoddess

What It's Like

Glad you asked! I was diagnosed in 2001 after years trying to find out what's "wrong" with me. I've never seemed to fit in the world. I've always been confused about the rules and wondered why no one let me in on the secret. Recently my daughter asked, what’s it like to have ADHD. I said, "It's like living in a dream. You know you're dreaming but can't wake up. Later on it starts to feel like a scream you can’t scream. Nothing makes sense, you feel like you are on the outside looking in, wondering why everyone gets it but you." I hate the stigma attached to mental health issues. One day I had asked my supervisor once AGAIN for the end cubical (less noise), since for the 2nd time this month he decided to change the seating. He can't "see" ADHD, so it doesn’t exist so there’s no need to remember my accommodation request. I ended up getting terminated for losing my temper and letting him have it with both barrels. I can't work anymore or go anywhere for that matter.

—IronGoddess

Wife of ADD Husband

My husband was diagnosed with ADD about 10 years ago. Everything suddenly began to make sense why we struggled so much early on in our marriage. He says that now it makes sense why he had such a difficult time in school. Fortunately, he didn't listen to the teachers who told him he was dumb and wouldn't make anything of himself. My husband is one of the most caring, compassionate, loving man I know. He has a heart of gold. Does he forget stuff still...yes, but you know what... focusing on the positives and enjoying going through life together is what it is all about. Yes, he has ADD, but he is my best friend. We have had our ups and downs and it gets frustrating when things get lost or misplaced a lot, but you know what I wouldn't change one thing about him. Enjoy your spouse and the time you have together. Life is just too short.

—Guest Lori

Advocate for Your Child

I am 49 and have ADHD since I was 7 (1967) and yes, they DID know what it was then. As I look back now, I now realize I also had ODD. I was on Ritalin for a bit, but it slowed me down so much that my mother got nervous and took me off. I don't blame her for that, but what I do blame her for is not following through for the rest of my life. I was very intelligent but couldn't prove it in academics. My brain was "ON" all the time. It was like a freight train running through the middle of my head. I was impulsive, defiant and hyper. I couldn't keep friends; I went from job to job; my family just didn't get me and I was kicked out when I was 19. I am a single-mom with an 11 year old son with ADHD/Anxiety/Sensory Integration Dysfunction - all of which are neurologically based. MEDICINE, MEDICINE, MEDICINE TOGETHER WITH STRUCTURE, SUPPORT, CONSISTENCY, UNDERSTANDING AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. MOST OF ALL - TALK, TALK, TALK TO YOUR CHILD AND BELIEVE THEIR FEAR!!

—Guest Linda

I Found Out When I Was 51

When I was very young I thought I was the dumbest kid on class. I went to a small country school with all grades in the same room. I knew everyone’s class work except my own. I couldn’t concentrate on my own work; I could not get into my own studies. For whatever it may be worth, when I got to high school, it was better - only one class to think about at a time, but I knew I was not as stupid as I sometimes felt! I knew I had a problem, but I could not get any treatment because there was not treatment. I got help from tutors in grade school for the Math, Reading and English. It didn’t seem to help much as I was still a not so bright student. Now I am a college student. Taking my ADD medication, has allowed me to learn! I mean I am now carrying a GPA well above a B, and I am academically recognized. It’s really cool being as intelligent as the rest of the class, being able to communicate intellectually with the instructors, fellow students, and everyone else in the world.

—bubbadave

As I Look Back...

I would suggest three things. I am a 39 yo male who was not diagnosed until I was 30. As a grown adult, I still can't describe how it feels to someone who doesn't have it. I often wonder what my parents could have done differently if they had known. So, first, teach them systems and controls! A lot of frustration can be avoided if they learn things like putting their keys in the same place (every time) or setting reminders on the phone/PDA. Second, focus on their strengths. The positive aspects (creativity, etc) of ADHD should be focused on and encouraged early (look at Ty Pennington or Howie Mandel). Lastly, love them unconditionally. No matter how hard you or they try, mistakes will be made. Things will slip through the cracks. And that won't change once they are older. Trust me. But if you give your kids the solid foundation of knowing they will always have someone who loves them, no matter what, that is the best support you can give.

—Guest kbu

THREE FAILSAFE PHILOSOPHIES TO HOLD:

1. As you love him/her unconditionally and accept him/her wherever they are, help your little one find [to paraphrase Dr. Robert Brooks] an area of activity/life endeavor in which they excel. That way, your child will always have an "Island of Success" to go to when he or she might otherwise be drowning in a "Sea of Failure." 2. Allow them to unfold in their own way and time, rather than on the world’s, to naturally discover their own genius, and direct them only towards places where they "fit." The possibility they will ever re-mold any other place or group to fit them - is rare, if not downright nonexistent. And so you love them unconditionally, accepting them always wherever they are, while you give them a safe place to develop. 3. Never forget, nor let your babies forget: It is NOT a race, and you, EACH OF YOU...are...GOOD!! How good? Why, good ENOUGH, of course! And this you will do as you love them unconditionally, accepting them right where they are. Yes.

—Guest addlib

Happy123

Just been diagnosed with ADHD. Am in my 60's. Never heard of it when I was a child. Found out that the best way to deal with it is not to worry about it and realize that I need to learn to slow down and relax. Works for me.

—Guest sunny123

Patience is Virtue

I have dealt with ADHD since elementary school, but not diagnosed until I was an adult. I always felt like there was a lot of noise in my head, making it hard to concentrate on one thing. My parents would get angry because I never completed projects, or I would get sidetracked with a magazine or activity while cleaning my room. I would begin homework, but get distracted and not complete the assignment, or I managed to miss the teacher's directions altogether. I was very embarrassed & felt stupid. I always interrupted others because as soon as a thought came to mind, I literally could not help but say it aloud. I always had, and still do have extra energy and can NEVER sit still! It helped that my mom put me in structured physical activities, like dance class. As an adult, I color code & organize everything & put reminder notes throughout the house. I set periodic daily alarms on my cell phone so I don't forget things. Meds help too. Some tips: write things down, slow down, be patient.

—Guest Heidi Jean

View as a Child with ADHD

When I was young we were named the very active ones. We see the world with excitement. We often don't think before we act. We just do because it’s there, not because we are bad. Our minds work very fast, on to the next one with full intentions of going back to the first thing we were working on. Often we don't understand the problem. We think that others think the way we do because it’s always been this way for us. We know no other way. We become overwhelmed with school. Everyone wants us to just sit there, but we cannot. It’s not that we don't want too, we just can't. One task at a time helps us. Most of us are above average, but we need our way of learning. Short bursts of info work best. Tests are very hard. We need extra time because we read everything and don't know where to start. Our reading skills are not the best and sometimes we don't know which way the letters go. Don't yell. We shut down because we know what you want, but have no idea how to get there. I'm now an RN.

—Guest Linda

My Husband Had ADHD as a Child

My husband's father told me that he had ADHD as a child. They took him to the doctor and was prescribed a medication that he believed was Ritalin (it was 30 years ago), but he and my husband's mother decided that the side-effects were more troublesome than the ADHD itself. Of course, back then it wasn't called ADHD, they just called it hyperactivity or highly spirited!! Whew boy!! Anyway when we married and started discussing having babies, this was certainly not one of the subjects we thought we would ever be faced with, however here we are 15 years later with two daughters ages 11 and 8 both with ADHD. My husband says he can "see" himself in both girls: unlimited energy, short attention span, highly intelligent, even to the point that we've had to get both girls tutors because their school is not equipped to engage and challenge them educationally. My husband said that as a child he felt like he had a motor running inside that never slowed down. He's still as "wide-open" as ever!

—Guest lizabeth527

Driven

My (undiagnosed) youth was mostly spent hyperfocusing on a never ending stream of things I liked. Interests came, intensified, sometimes became obsessive, and always reached a point where they were dropped for a time or for good in favor of something else. My ADHD Dad (had a chemical engineering degree at 20 during the Depression) understood and my Mom was miffed but went along and gave me freedom. Some would say I was spoiled because I was never made to do things like attend Sunday school, but when you cannot make yourself even try to focus on things you don't have any interest in, you become stubborn about people making choices for you. I (We) tried this with my ADHD son and it did not work. College became much more interesting after I figured out that the Army was waiting to draft me, and I excelled for the first time since the fifth grade (puberty is a tough time for ADHD boys).

—Guest moslof