From the article: Improving Your Child’s Behavior With Positive Attention
Learning to pay positive attention to your child is very powerful, particularly for a child with ADHD who may often experience negative feedback. Sometimes it can be difficult, however, to find the positives -- especially if disruptive and oppositional behaviors are taking over at home. As a parent, you are the most important influence in your child’s life. Your positive attention is vital. Please help other parents by sharing your advice and tips for positive parenting. Share Your Tips
Listen
- As an ADHD parent of an ADHD son & a non-ADHD daughter, I have found one of the best things we can do for our kids is listen. Listen to their suggestions because sometimes you can stop at the park for 10 minutes and have a try at mastering the monkey bars instead of going home to do laundry. Listen to what happened at school. Give your child your undivided attention. Put the TV on mute and look at your child the same way you expect them to look at you when you're talking to them. Ask your child questions - Who did you play with today? What are you learning at school? What do you want for lunch? Kids like to know that you pay attention to them, that you care enough to let them make some decisions and by doing this I think it shows you value them as human beings. My daughter is 10 and we've started on the pre-teen drama fights (the "you never listen to me" fights) but now I stop and listen to what she says, so when I overrule her I can point out times when she was heard and got her way.
- —cathyincayman
Specific activities
- Good article, but it might leave readers asking "How do I do this?" Here's an activity to get your thoughts flowing. I used to teach social skills and during my class it was required that my students repeat any question I asked them before answering. We made it a game, where I would sometimes ask a nonsense or silly question, then name a student to see if they were listening. At home, if you have your ADHD child do this as part of everyday conversation it will improve his or her listening skills and "train their ears" to always be listening. Make it as integral to your conversations as "thank you" and "please". It translates perfectly to classrooms, and helps students (and adults, btw) with ADHD make listening a habit, rather than an effort. Remember - make it fun! If you are interested in more activities i used to teach ADHD and ASD students, feel free to email me or find me on FB @ One World Karate. I'm always willing to help!
- —Guest 1WorldKarate
kids can recognize when they are stuck
- I have a 5 year old foster child, who has been with us for 20 months. Out of the blue he becomes oppositional several times a day. If I had asked him to wash his hands before dinner, and he said "no". I simply say, "well, you can have your dinner as soon as your hands are washed." If he feels oppositional, he might say, "I'm eating dinner now!" I kneel in front of him and talk to him calmly about what is happening. If that doesn't work, I will usually say, "Are you feeling stuck, Buddy?" He almost always nods that he is. I then ask if a hug will help - he always says it will. After the hug, all is well and he's off to wash his hands.
- —Dougjames100
ADHD parent & non-ADHD child.
- My situation was backwards with myself as the inconsistent ADHD parent to a Non-ADHD kid. One thing that I learned from my mom (ADHD with two ADHD kids) was to not only give positive feedback (catch them doing good) but also let the child overhear you talking about how proud you are of them. "I know Jimmy has been really trying hard, and I can tell, he's not only finishing his homework, but has turned it in without being reminded several times this month." Or "Did you notice, Sarah has cleared her plate off the dinner table three times this week. I am so proud of her." If they think they have been sly and not get caught, sometimes it makes it even more worthwhile. Then, a few minutes later, go tell them directly what you told the other parent, relative on the phone, friend, etc. This tells them that you are not just offering "lip service" just to get them to do something, but in fact really are proud of the person they are becoming as they grow.
- —Guest Kat Parks
When action-consequence is ineffective
- I like the suggestions here, reassuring to know I am not the only one with a challenging child. My son has AD/HD and they think now that he also has DCD. He has been a real challenge and rarely links actions with consequences, so he does as he likes and has a major temper tantrum when he gets his punishment. Rewards for good behavior are just as ineffective. Consequently he recently ended up spending 41 days in a juvenile detention centre and he still doesn't accept it was his fault. I wish I could help him grow into the well-adjusted young adult he should be now, but I guess some things aren't meant to be. All you can really do is be there for your kids and love them no matter what.
- —Guest cece23
Vocabulary of teaching
- This may almost seem too trivial to matter. But, for what it's worth, we had a similar problem with our own child - a 5th grade girl. One thing we learned was that when we talked about a "consequence," she felt threatened and got defensive (i.e. angry). We simply changed to using the word "result" - that is, “Every action has a result. The result of that action is . . . So, if that's a result you want, then . . . “It may be a small thing, but it helped us keep the cork in the volcano and helped her reflect more than react.
- —wbjohn
Managing with My ADHD Child
- Through my experience, I found three ways are so effective in managing my ADHD child who is 6 years old. First, instead of saying “no” to him, I tell him the reason why he shouldn’t do it. Second, I use the 1-2-3 Magic (Thomas Phelan program) which gives him a chance to think and stop misbehaviors. Third, telling him stories. For instance, instead of asking him to wash his hands, I tell him a story of the results of not washing hands.
- —Guest Mrs. Sara.
Plan Ahead
- When we were starting out with using punishments for our son, we'd fall into the trap of adding and adding to the punishment given while in the midst of heated debate with our son. Later, we'd realize that after the first removal of privilege, he didn't care if we'd penalize him further, and he was too angry to be able to stop yelling - and so were we. We came up with standardized penalties, including a maximum duration of just 2 days for 'no TV'. Beyond 2 days, the original infraction is forgotten already, and the lack of TV didn't mean anything he could understand. Having a standardized penalty meant it wasn't us deciding to be mean; instead it was a pre-agreed consequence to his action. Finally, the consequence would be announced after all the yelling was done, and in a calm, matter-of-fact tone. In the midst of fiery tempers, things can get said that we didn't mean, so it's much better to wait until we can be civil. Good luck - it's not easy.
- —sylrayj
This Sounds All Too Familiar
- I still am adjusting to being diagnosed at the age of 20. I am under treatment that is helping me get through the problems that develop when ADHD goes untreated for so long (Anorexia, BDD, insomnia, subconscious defense mechanisms.) ADDults are told to forgive themselves of the past, but it is just not possible after growing into everything you know as a failure. After receiving belt welts from my parents for my misconduct as a child, I can say that I still grew up very well adjusted. Soon I will be joining the 5% of the ADHD population with college degrees. Although my childhood was rough, I want you to know that you're a very strong parent and should be offered a little more praise. It's not easy to recognize the issue, let alone deal with it. ADHD kids need a fair amount of discipline so they may grow to overcome symptoms, being constantly beat for behavioral problems was a bad call on my parents part, but I think you're well on your way to raising a great kid.
- —Guest Drew
Understanding ADD/ADHD
- Until doctors who try to diagnose without fully informing parents and teachers exactly how to monitor effective medication to an optimal level, the child will get blamed and punished for an inherited condition's symptoms. If the medication makes the child more teachable the knowledge as to how to handle the problems is vital. There after discipline, not punishment is needed.
- —Guest Billy Levin
ODD Frustration
- Learning to deal with my 11 yr old son's ODD, ADHD, and Autistic Spectrum Disorder has been one of the hardest hills I've had to climb. These disorders are like steep hills covered with slick ice. The only way to get up these hills is with support from others. I have had to learn how to concede and humble myself to a small child with a strong opinion. I love my son enough to climb these hills every day. My best advice would be to take it one day at a time, go slow and take some deep breaths before you respond to their tantrums. The tantrum will end. They have to feel like they have a choice in the matter. Acceptance, patience and encouragement are the greatest gifts you can give your very special child.
- —praisetruth
Thank You
- Thanks for sharing this excellent material from Dr. Barkley. As a therapist who works with kids and families dealing with AD/HD, and as a parent working with a son who has some of these same tendencies, I truly appreciate the helpful guidelines.
- —Guest Stephen Borgman
Marbles in a Jar
- We've been using the Marbles in a Jar technique with our 6 year old ADHD'er. Figured it out on our own; didn't see it in an article or anything. We use a Ball jar because it has the 1/4 cup, 1/2 cup, 3/4 cup markings. Each time the marbles get to a line, our child picks the reward (pre-arranged list of choices). He is creative and uses small toys (like army men, plastic bugs) for the jar; we let him put the marbles or whatever in and name for him the good behavior so he knows what he did to earn it. We saw on SuperNanny a water tube with a ball that works on the same premise. Young ADHD'ers probably would get a kick out of pouring the water and watching the ball rise (if you want to pay the expense for the gadget). This technique does work, just know that when it stops working you have to change it up and come up with a new reward system.
- —AlwaysSharing
Sons with ADD ADHD
- I am the mother of 5 sons, 2 of which are ADD and ADHD. My ADHD son is doing well. I have had him in karate and it has really helped with focus. He is a freshman now and is in cross country and track since middle school. I feel that it has really helped in school with his grades too. He is an IEP student but has needed little help in high school. I have a 21 year old son, who quit school in his senior year but he was way behind in credits. He was tired of being picked on. So he quit. I am having trouble getting him to go out and get a job. He is somewhat intimidated to take GED classes as he has trouble grasping the study concepts. He is extremely smart, can bore you on subjects you don't care to hear about. But just lacks motivation or something to get out there. He refuses to take any medication anymore, which I don't know if I completely agree with all of them anyway.
- —hoosiergirl882002
Many Thanx on the Great Suggestions
- I am a mother of two daughters the elder is going to be 8 yrs in Feb, the younger is 2.8 yrs old. I have constant problems with the elder child. I keep nagging her for her handwriting and sometimes she does not complete her work at school. I am a little strict because I myself was like her in school. I don’t want her to end up like me, so I am strict with her studies. To top it all my hubby is also strict. I worry that I will ruin my child's future. I know that I am wrong but sometimes when I try my best to be nice she starts to act cranky and irritable and once again I loose my cool. The thing is if I am strict she listens to me better than when I tell her something lovingly. I really need some help to help my child to grow in a positive way. These tips and guidelines are really good and I will try to follow them to really make a change in our lives. Thanks!
- —Guest vimala
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