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Tips For Improving Communication with Your Child

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Updated April 08, 2008

Parenting an ADHD child can present some challenges. Many parents express frustrations over simply getting their child to slow down, pay attention and follow directions.

Kirk Martin is executive director of Celebrate!ADHD, an educational organization that provides training for educators, parents and children affected by ADD, ADHD, Aspergers, Autism, Sensory Integration, Oppositional Defiance, Anxiety Disorder, OCD and other learning or emotional disabilities.

“It is important to understand that children with ADHD have very busy minds,” says Martin. “Think of your child’s brain as a city with streets carrying information, impulses, sensory input, teacher’s lectures and your directions. But in their city, the traffic lights are not working, creating gridlock and chaos.”

Effective Communication

Martin says that it is essential that we communicate more effectively with our children. He recommends parents and teachers do the following:

  • Give clear, specific directions.
  • Try to break tasks into one or two steps so the child does not get overwhelmed.

  • Give the child choices.

  • Ask questions instead of making statements. This forces a child to stop and think about the alternatives.

“Use interesting time limits and make it a challenge. Saying we are leaving in 5 minutes is meaningless,” explains Martin. Instead ask your child, “Do you think we can set a record by picking up all our Legos in 3 ½ minutes?”

Additionally, Martin encourages parents to speak softly and whisper at times. “It helps your child learn to listen more attentively.” He also warns parent not to fall into the trap of requiring a child to maintain eye contact. “Instead, let your child play with something in his hands (such as textured objects) or move while you are speaking. This will actually increase attention and retention,” explains Martin.

Sometimes we talk until we are blue in the face and children simply don’t listen. They tune us out instead. Martin says that adults can use visual and auditory reminders to keep a child on task. “As you may have noticed, children often block out your voice and render even your most inspiring lectures moot! We teach parents how to use color cards (yellow for slow down, red for stop, green for go) and timers to even help children turn off their video games without being asked.”

The Dreaded Temper Tantrum

Many parents express uncertainty over how to handle the dreaded temper tantrums that can occur when a child becomes extremely frustrated.

Martin encourages parents to look at tantrums as an opportunity to prove their personal integrity. “The sooner you show your child that their tantrums cannot control you, the sooner they will stop throwing them.”

“Children with ADHD have great chaos inside, so they need order and structure on the outside,” explains Martin. “The most effective way to calm an emotional child is for us to be calm. When your child is having a meltdown, you need to be the calm rock in their life. No matter how much their world is spinning out of control, you need to show them that you, as the adult in their life, are in control and that everything is okay. And they need to recognize that you are so emotionally strong that even their wildest tantrum cannot move you.”

Martin explains that when we give in or try to bribe our children, they learn that they cannot count on us. They learn that we can be manipulated or embarrassed by screaming and crying. This causes even more insecurity and instability.

“So when your child loses it, seek first to control yourself and remain calm. Because your child has become emotional, he is irrational. And it is impossible to reason with an irrational person.” Martin counsels parents to draw the child into their calmness. “Sit down and begin to color with crayons, read a magazine, water your plants, cook. Invite him into your calm. This will freak him out at first, because he is used to seeing you get upset. What you are communicating, though, is (1) Your actions cannot control or manipulate me and (2) No matter how out of control you may feel, I am a rock you can count on.”

Parents may then calmly let their child know they are available when the screaming and acting out stops. Martin gives an example of what a parent may say: “When you are ready to talk, I’m all ears. But I can’t hear what you are screaming at me and your tantrum will not get what you want.”

Click on Tips for Maintaining a Scream-Free Home to learn more.

Additional Reading:

Positive Parenting Strategies

Helping Your ADHD Child Develop Positive Peer Relationships

Top Principles of ADHD Management

Book Review: ADHD - Living Without Brakes

Source:

Kirk Martin. “Re: Request for Expert Quotes.” Email to Keath Low. 01 Feb. 08.

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