When Your Spouse Has ADD / ADHD
Bill Cosby once said, “For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.”
Marriage is hard work! It requires good communication, mutual respect, compromise, empathy, and an understanding of your partner’s feelings and needs.
For individuals with ADHD these requirements may be difficult. Relationships may become strained. A spouse can easily become frustrated with their partner’s disorganization and inattention.
Feelings can get hurt when the individual with ADHD blurts out thoughts without tempering them, forgets important events, doesn’t follow through with promises, or gets distracted from their partner’s conversations. An individual with ADHD may have difficulty seeing things from their spouse’s point of view.
Sometimes spouses feel like they are parenting their ADHD partner rather than the relationship being equal. They end up being the one to provide structure and reminders. They end up feeling frustrated, disappointed, and fed up when their ADHD partner does not comply.
Spouses may end up taking care of the tedious home tasks that are difficult for the ADHD individual, paying the bills, scheduling appointments, cleaning and organizing the house, keeping the pantry and refrigerator stocked. It can be exhausting!
It is important for spouses to have a good understanding about ADHD and the way symptoms can affect the marital relationship. Strategies and supports can be put in place to help make the marriage a successful and happy one.
Try to see things from your partner's point of view, as well. Holding it all together and trying to control one's ADHD symptoms at work or with the children can require an enormous amount of energy and effort. Your partner may be more irritable with you because you are safe. That is not to say this behavior is excusable, but it helps for you to see where the behavior may be coming from.
If social situations create anxiety and stress for your partner, accept it and don't press the issue. Understand that this is just a part of their personality.
Embrace your partner's differences. Focus on strengths. Use humor to diffuse difficult situations. Find support.
Related Reading:
- Understanding Your ADHD Spouse
- ADHD and Intimate Relationships
- Strategies for Improving Intimate Relationships
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