One of our ADD/ADHD Discussion Forum members wrote in after having a run of horrible days with her 8-year-old son. A single parent who works 50 hours a week, she has admitted on the forum that she feels exhausted and wants to know how to avoid falling into battles, arguments and power struggles with her son. “I just want to come home from work and have a good time with my son but by the time I get home (and his medication has worn off), it’s just a constant night of struggles,” she writes. The past two days have been the worst she explains, “Yesterday I cried about it for 3 hours. Today I put my fist through a wall while he was in the shower. I swear I am not a bad parent, even though that sounds terrible to do.” She has tried to spend quality “play” time with her son, but then he wants to play all night and avoid homework. “I know he’s only 8, but that boy can argue, justify and manipulate every directive I give him until he’s blue in the face. Some days, it’s easier to surrender to his strong will. The only thing that makes him happy is his Wii and TV and 100% attention all the time.”
To read her entire post click on I’m About to Pull My Hair Out
Response:
I think you describe the challenge of parenting a child with ADHD perfectly. It can be “hard frick’n work!” It takes a tremendous amount of energy, patience, attention and creative parenting. As a single parent, you are doing this all on your own. To top it off, you are working 50 hours a week!
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are exhausted. Everything is going to be harder when your energy is zapped. For any of us, when we are drained emotionally and physically it becomes impossible to be proactive and respond in the most effective way. We may engage in the battle rather than stepping back and avoiding the power struggles. And as you say, it becomes easier to surrender rather than maintain consistency, but obviously the surrendering ends up causing more problems in the long run. A child learns that no doesn’t really mean no and the way to get that no to change to a yes is to act out. In other words, it reinforces the negative behavior.
Self-Care is Important
There are several things you may try. The first is to brainstorm ways that you may be able to improve your self-care so you have a little more energy. Are you getting enough sleep? Do you get any downtime during the day? Is there anything you can do to alleviate some of the stress at work? Can you reduce hours or spread them out so you are doing some on the weekend instead of so much on Monday through Friday? A 50-hour workweek is exhausting in and of itself. It can be hard to have any energy left over for parenting, particularly parenting a child with ADHD.
Set Up a Reward System
You mention that your son really enjoys Wii and TV. Use this to set up a reward system where he earns these privileges. To do this you may want to sit down with him and say something like, “Things have gotten a little out of hand. We end up arguing and nagging each other instead of getting along. I love you and I think one thing that may help is to have some clear rules.” Then together come up with a few simple rules and consequences. Allow him to have some input on how he will earn the Wii and TV. Make the goals attainable. It is important for him to experience success on the plan in order to keep him motivated. Then stick with the plan and be consistent. Know that those first few times he doesn’t earn playing time on the Wii, he is going to be angry and may try every trick in the book to get you to give in. You must be consistent.
Delay Your Response if Necessary
The other thing is that kids with ADHD do tend to try to provoke reactions in others. They seem to need a greater than normal level of stimulation and sometimes they may seek this stimulation in inappropriate ways such as provoking emotional reactions. This is one of the reasons why it is so, so important to remain calm and matter-of-fact (I know this is hard!). Some parents find it helps to delay their response just briefly, pausing, taking a deep breath and consciously considering the best way to respond before actually responding.
Help With Transitions and Be Consistent
You mentioned that when you have play time with your son he never wants it to end and uses it to avoid homework or ends up trying to manipulate. In the end what probably happens is the time spent together, which started out on a positive note, ends on a negative one. For kids with ADHD, shifting gears from an activity they enjoy – like the special play time with you – can be really difficult, particularly if they have to transition to doing something they don’t like such as homework! Because your son has such difficulty with the ending time, you may want to purchase a timer to aid in the transition. Decide in advance how long your special play times will be and set the timer to go off five minutes before the ending time. When it goes off remind your son, “We have five more minutes of playtime, then we will get ready for dinner.” Have him repeat the information back to you to make sure he hears it and understands. Then you may want give him a sense of control by having him set the timer to go off when the play session is over. Once the timer goes off, be consistent in sticking with the ending time and help him transition to another activity.
Talk With Your Son's Doctor
Additionally, you may want to talk with your son’s doctor. Sometimes an adjustment with the medication schedule may help, especially since you are noticing more problems when the medication wears off.
