10 ADD Behaviors That Could Hurt a Marriage

Some adults are diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADD) or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) only after their child is diagnosed. In these cases, the child's diagnosis may cause light bulbs to go off in their spouse's head as behaviors that are hurting their marriage are recognized as symptoms of an attention deficit disorder versus a lack of caring or motivation.

Recognizing the symptoms of this mental health condition that can be harmful to a marriage is the first step. We share several here to help increase understanding and awareness, also providing some helpful resources and next steps for creating a healthy relationship with a spouse with ADD.

Problematic Behaviors of a Spouse With ADD

Some typical behaviors of a person with an attention-deficit disorder can have a detrimental impact on a marriage, including the following.

Inattention and Lack of Follow-Through

A spouse with ADD may seem disorganized and inattentive to household chores and maintenance. However, failing to follow through on chores is often secondary to inattentiveness as opposed to being due to ill will or a conscious attempt to avoid sharing in household labor.

Interruptions

A spouse with an attention disorder may interrupt their partner (and others) a great deal. This can drive their partner to the point where they wonder about the point of even trying to have a conversation. They may even feel embarrassed by the seeming rudeness toward friends and family members.

Distractedness

Another potentially problematic behavior of a spouse with ADD is that they can be easily distracted or have a lack of focus. This can make it difficult for them to stay on task or to fully concentrate on important conversations, which can be frustrating to a partner who wants or needs their full attention.

Nagging

Nagging isn't so much a symptom of an attention deficit disorder but more so a common response to living with a spouse with this condition. That said, it can be equally as damaging to the marriage as the partner without ADD may feel like they must constantly push their spouse to get things done, which can feel tiring.

Financial Issues

Living with a spouse with an attention disorder may lead to a financially precarious situation. This is because people with these conditions often face deficits in both earning and saving money. They may overspend, forget to pay bills, have difficulty keeping a job, or have trouble talking about their money issues.

Taking a Parental Role

Having a spouse with ADD can also make us feel more like a parent than an equal partner. We may find ourselves constantly reminding our forgetful spouse about taking medications, meeting appointments, remembering birthdays, completing projects, etc.

Sexual Issues

It's also possible that the sexual relationship in the marriage is less than either partner would like it to be. Research indicates that, when compared with the general population, people with ADHD tend to have lower levels of sexual satisfaction and more sexual dysfunction—despite having more sexual desire.

Difficulty Making Decisions

Making decisions with a spouse with ADD can sometimes feel impossible. ADHD is associated with deficits with this cognitive function. This makes it harder for these individuals to go through the decision-making process.

Being Ignored

In some cases, the spouse may retreat into a computer game or other project. This can leave their partner feeling ignored or like their marriage is in a rut. But the spouse with ADD may not see the marriage in the same way as they are simply engrossed in their activity.

Uneasiness

Studies have found that the existence of ADHD symptoms in children predicted the development of argumentative behavior in adults. This can leave their partners feeling that walking on eggshells is the only way to keep the peace, leading to uneasiness in the marriage relationship.

Impact of a Spouse With ADD or ADHD

The presence of ADHD in a marriage can lead to unhealthy responses, along with feelings of being overwhelmed and resentful. If the spouse with ADD or ADHD is in denial or uses the diagnosis as an excuse for continuing harmful behaviors, it can drive their partner to their wits' end.

Adults with attention disorders can struggle at home, where their tendency to become distracted becomes a constant source of conflict. Some research suggests that these adults tend to have "short-lived and discordant romantic relationships." Yet, it doesn't have to be this way as help is available.

Getting Help for ADD or ADHD in Marriage

Even though a marriage may be challenged by these behaviors, with proper diagnosis, treatment, and the willingness of both parties to create positive coping strategies, individuals can have a successful and joyful marriage. A mental health therapist can assist with this process.

A therapist who specializes in ADHD understands common challenges for individuals with this condition, as well as ways to work around them. They can help both the spouse with ADD and the spouse without ADD work together in a way that contributes to a stronger marriage.

It can also be helpful to learn more about this topic. Here are some books that discuss ADHD within the context of a married relationship:

• ADHD in Marriage: Real and Proven Ways to Keep Your Marriage Thriving Despite the Chaos, Overcome Denial, and Insulate Your Relationship from Stress by Dr. Melody Dawson
• A Complicated Romance: ADHD in Marriage and Its Impact on Relationships, A Couple's Guide to Discover How to Overcome Obstacles, Communicate with Clarity, and Keep Loving Each Other by L. William Ross-Child M.C.
• ADHD 2.0 Effect on Marriage: Target 7 Days. Turn Anger into Love by Margaret Hampton
• Married to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell, MD, Sue George Hallowell, LICSW, and Melisa Orlov
• The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov
• Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder by Gina Pera